entry · mental illness · venting

Scars

Well, seeing that self harming became a topic of conversation amongst my family today, I’d like to talk about this with you all.

You see, it is so hard for someone to come out and ask for help, most are even embarassed to. Reaching the point of hurting yourself, you have become so buried deep in depression. I, myself cut for months, I got to the point where I was blaming myself for all of these things that happened to me. I walked around with hoodies on just to hide this painful secret from the world, isolated and alone. Everything that happened in those months was a blur, like I was high the entire time. I nearly flunked all of my classes. I stumbled about my days, with no one to help me…no one to tell me things were gonna be okay.

Unfortunately, someone did find me at my weakest point, and sucked the life out me that remained. My vulerability became there power over me. I got stuck in an abusive relationship, where I was guilted and blinded.  He abused me, made me selfconcious, and just destroyed the progress I attempted to make. They knew I was in this black hole, so they grabbed my hand, pulled me into the light and pushed me right back in just to watch me suffer for themselves. I just got worse until, let’s call him my angel, realized I was sick and took me under his wing.

Self harming is not a trend, it’s not something people do for attention. I hid myself, I didn’t want to be seen. You feel opressed, like something’s weighing you down. Think of how when you get really tired, your eyes kinda feel heavy…your whole body feels heavy and weak. Endlessly tired. That’s how it feels having depression. In the moment cutting is a punishment for yourself, or a desperate attempt at making the pain physical to get rid of the pain in your head. We need to feel something, we’ve been internalizing all of this emotion and pain…it becomes too overwhelming. It’s so scary to experience the feeling…the sudden urge to do it, sometimes the feeling becomes so addictive when you have that taste of humanity back.

Today I still feel tired, this darkness just follows me. However I recovered from self harming, I did it for the people I love, even though they don’t know that. I fight it everyday, promising myself not to ever sink that low again. I will probably touch more on this when I’m not feeling as sick.

Thank you for reading guys. I apologize for being such a downer. It’s nice to have people that listen.

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entry · mental illness · thought · venting

Thoughtless

Hey everyone, sorry that I haven’t been posting as frequently as I hoped. These past few months in particular have been very difficult for me.

At home in general, I don’t receive much sympathy or that warming , safe feeling type of affection whatsoever. When I go home I don’t wind down, take a deep breath and say I can finally relax, loosen up, I feel okay here. I suppose I could blame myself for being as awkward as the rest of my family, not initiating in any sort of emotional interactions that normal families have, I can’t..I won’t. That’s the problem with social anxiety, you won’t engage in any sort of or certain aspects of socialization at all, unless it is given to you. So if no one ever decided to hug me, I wouldn’t ever get hugged, if no one ever decided to talk to me, I wouldn’t have any friends or a boyfriend.

You know now that I’m thinking about it, I’m always in search of some close bond with someone. I need someone to love..since I don’t particularly love myself. I am always desperate for some sort of affection, but I won’t ever ask for any. I’ll deprive myself of these experiences, pretend I don’t have those needs because I’m too scared. I’ll wait until I’m pursued, it’s as close to torture that I’ve ever felt.

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It’s so hard to deal with on a daily basis, I argue with myself over texting someone. I get so scared that I’ll send a message, put down my phone and walk out of the room for a few minutes, like I just did this horrible thing and I need to go contemplate life. If anyone knew how long it took me to work up the courage to send them a text, they would probably find me pathetic or they might feel flattered that I wanted to talk to them that much that I made an effort to shoot them a message regardless of my fears. Don’t feel flattered, feel concerned, ask yourself why the hell I need to go through such a process when it’s so easy for you to just pick up your phone and talk to someone. I don’t have that luxury, it’s a mental limitation, this prison that I can’t escape.

I apologize in advance for saying this so bluntly but I just dislike most people, that’s how it is to live with social anxiety. Did they do anything to me? No, it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s mine. I get terrified in a Wal-Mart, in school…in my own home, I feel weird around most people and I don’t know how to describe the emotion. It’s this dissociation, one moment I’m hanging out, everything’s fine and dandy then all of the sudden its why am I here? why are these people near me? This is horrible, I need to be alone, I need to ball up in a corner and hide. I feel unhuman for a moment. My skin feels like it’s crawling, imagine yourself being skeeved out about something, that’s how I feel about nothing..randomly. You can laugh if you want, I won’t know, but it’s not as hysterical when it’s happening to you.

Thank you for reading if you have. I’ve been having a tough time, losing a dear family member, feeling like the world is closing in around me, I can’t even begin to describe it. Your likes and views make my day.

Current song:

A Match Into Water – Pierce the Veil

Floral and Fading – Pierce the Veil

Circles – Pierce the Veil

entry · mental illness · Rant · thought

All the Reasons Why

Am I the only one getting upset at how people are reacting to the story 13 Reasons Why now that it has become “popular”? I adore the book on so many levels and the whole story in itself, it puts you into the mind of someone who is suffering from depression, severely in fact.  My issue is that so many viewers are still not grasping the reason as to why this whole story came to be…this happens to not just fictional characters, this happens to your friends, family, collegues…real life people…real life people feel like Hannah Baker everybody. This is being treated more as a damn fandom than a serious problem. Stop making fan merchandise and following this bandwagon thing and start becoming aware as to what is going on around you. Think about the things you say to or about people before you do, because it does indeed impact them. Rumors do spread, harassment does hurt, bullying will damage, depression kills. Her story is sending a message, listen to it.

entry · Rant · thought · venting

Little Things

No this post is not about the One Direction song,  guess again directioners. Actually, I was laying here thinking about how much all the little things really do matter. The small actions end up making the largest impact in the end if you look at every kind of relationship in existence, whether it’s family, best friends or soul mates.  I wonder why that is? Well when someone is noticing each detail about me no matter how insignificant, all of my nervous habits, how I smile…it warms my heart. They’re watching me from a distance like I’m this majestic being or piece of art, undisturbed and beautiful. No stalker vibes here I hope. They notice every little thing that makes you smile, and  in return want to do those things for you just to see you happy. Imagine that? I hope everyone has experienced the pleasure of this at some point in their lives, it has to be one of the few reasons I get out of bed in the morning still breathing, heart beating.

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Not too long from now, some months ago, I sat completely alone in the school hallway at lunch, without much of an appetite. My reasoning for being by myself is that I had just been broken up with over the summer, so coming back I felt completely lost and scared. I wouldn’t bring lunch with me, I felt too sick and rather dizzy for food. However I would carry a notebook, so I could draw some stuff off of the top of my head to keep myself distracted from the reality that my  anxiety liked to punch me in the gut with. I drew roses and tulips, it has always been my go to drawing, these flowers, so innocent and happy in their way. Both things in which I felt like I lost. My guy friend must have noticed since one of those days he handed me a picture of a tulip that he drew…he noticed me drawing them and could tell that I was depressed. He noticed I was alone and scared so he gave this drawing…little does he know how hard that hit me. I had someone who cared again, for the first time in a while. I still hold it with me all of the time, I don’t know what I’d do if I lost it. I’ve drawn plenty if flowers before, but this one is special…it’s from him.

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Little things like that, just knowing that someone thought about you for even a second, if you really think about it, it hits you hard.  A text just letting someone know you’re thinking about them, a kiss on the cheek, a walk around the park, a deep conversation, a long hug, buying food or making a gift, literally anything can change someone’s day. It sticks with them longer than anything else will.

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I’ve learned to live for the small things, like my favorite song coming on the radio, singing and dancing along to them like no one’s watching, making it to school at just the right time, getting to see my friend in the morning, hot chocolate, long car rides, the sun shining, the stars at night, waving to a friend in the hallway, deep conversations that make me laugh and cry, smiling so bright I forget it’s raining. I’ve learned, if you live for those nice little parts of life, you’ll never have a bad day, there will always be something to look forward to. I try my hardest, I battle with  depression, and in my own way this is how I’m putting up my fight. #Will you join the battle?

hello

Weekend

Hello there! I’ll be posting more soon! It’s been a very busy week and I need to get some more thoughts flowing so I can share them with you all. My emotions go from one extreme to the next and now it seems as I have been in a half decent mood surprisingly enough, which leads to no emotional thoughts that are the main reason for my blog. Hope everyone has a good weekend, I’ll definitely be posting tomorrow! I swear!