entry · mental illness · Rant · thought · venting

Puzzled

Have you ever wondered why you get treated the way you do? Maybe someone once said you get what you deserved, you were brought up thinking karma came back at those people who wronged you or others. But then you look around and question, because as it seems, so many people get the opposite of what they deserve most of the time, while others get exactly what was coming for them.

What I’m trying to say now is that maybe we get the opposite of what we deserve for a reason. So many who get the raw end of the deal, maybe they’re getting that so they can appreciate the good things that happen. The bad guys, maybe they’re getting the good to realize the bad they’ve done.

I’ve noticed personally, that I often don’t get anywhere near what I deserve most of the time. I’m not trying to say that I’m this gift to the world…that I deserve everything that is right with the world. I do everything with the best of intentions, and I get…nothing. I treat my friends the way I would treat myself if I was my friend. I am the friend I wish I had. The friend that reminds you what you’re worth, the friend that helps you with too much work, the friend that remembers, the friend that doesn’t take you for granted, the friend that’s your shoulder to cry on, the friend that tries her hardest to keep you as happy and stress free as possible at the expense of her own feelings. That’s me.

For an example, if you’d like to see one, here it is. If you don’t want one, skip this paragraph. Today is my best friend’s birthday. He’s 18 today. The minute it struck 12:00, I sent him a “Happy birthday!”. I just…I think about how I’d feel if someone sent me that text, It’d probably make my whole day feel different. That’s why I sent it. I’d like to one day say wow, you remembered me, you cared, that’s why I do what I do, because that’s the type of friend I’d like to have. I care about everyone, and I’d like to be someone’s favorite person like these people are to me. I wonder if they ever remember me? Do you wonder if someone stops to think about you during the day? Maybe it sounds mushy, maybe it sounds stupid…maybe you’re afraid to be emotional like that because you’ve already built a wall up to hide all of that, and that’s why you think that way about this.

People like me, who try too hard and care too much and love too much, always get stepped on first. I’ve tried my whole life to make everyone feel the opposite of how I’ve felt for years now. I’m trying to be the person I wish I’ve had this entire time.

Many of us get overbearing friends, scared minds, oblivious families, too much work, constant changes, so many people who treat you like you’re worthless, drama, death, miserable environments and just so much crap that we don’t deserve.

Crap that no one deserves.

The only good that comes from this unfair treatment is when something nice happens, we always appreciate it. Your favorite song coming on the radio, went from being nice, to being the best part of your day. Your day could’ve sucked…but that song changed it. That hot chocolate your friend brought you? That made you look at the day in a whole different, better light. We live for the small things…and those people are great.

Those who do the terrible things? Or those who use you? They live pretty happy with themselves, they live like you don’t exist, at least not during certain moments. You exist when they need you, but not when you need them.  When you’re balled up on the bathroom floor breaking down, they’re not there, or they don’t understand. You’re the only one that gets you, but you don’t have another you to be there for you. Say that 10 times fast.

Maybe once the see what they’re getting, they’ll feel like they don’t deserve it and change their ways.

Bad exists to see good.

Maybe that’s how the universe works…

Listening to:

Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol

This song made me cry while writing this…

Advertisements
entry · mental illness · Rant · thought · venting

Light

I’m back friends.

I’d like to touch further on a rather sensitive topic. It may go from depression, to self harming and things of that nature. Please bear with me, as my thoughts are all jumbled.

You hear people who just don’t understand what you’re going through at all. The sad truth is no one will ever understand how it is, unless they are battling the same demons. It’s nearly impossible for them to feel empathy for someone who is struggling in such a way. Image result for if physical diseases were treated like mental illness

For about two years now, I have been sleeping on the couch, where my dad hangs out at night, just so I’m not alone. Every place holds an energy I refuse to sit alone with. When I’m by myself I think far too much, I start to cry, and those demons tempt me to hurt myself once again. Everyone thinks I’m odd for not going to my room, but it’s so isolating. The things in my room don’t make me happy, my room is where all the bad things happened in my life. It’s where I laid with my abusive boyfriend, it’s where I changed myself for everyone else, it’s where I cried on the floor for hours…it’s where I held a box cutter to my arm hoping to feel human once again.

Here’s what I mean, no one can comprehend that feeling. You can be honest, you don’t understand this, and that’s okay. No one’s expected to understand. Depression is so many things, it’s feeling detached, tired, lonely, scared, lost, ready to scream…ready to give up. Everything that used to be easy, requires all of our energy. It’s waking up at the bottom of the ocean, seeing the light, but no matter how much you swim, you can’t reach the surface. It’s feeling forever lost in this other dimension where hope and happiness is something you only see through the looking-glass. As someone with a terrible case of depression, nothing is simple anymore. Your future is blurry, your mind is foggy…remembering things is crazy hard. You see nothing going well for you in the future, at least as long as you have depression blackening your thoughts. Headaches are constant…so are belly aches. You have to bear with us. Some have it in different forms, at different severities.

I’d like to talk about self injuring for just a moment. It’s really just a thought I had today on a walk. When I was stuck in this period of my life, I wasn’t necessarily experiencing unhappy sensations, I didn’t cry, I just cut. I was in this emotionless state of mind. Hear me out before you automatically call me an attention seeker. When I was doing this to myself, it punched me back in to this past reality. The pain brought me back to the girl I knew before mental illness took her away. It’s like it snapped me out of this fog and I was me for a moment in time…of course that doesn’t last forever. If you could do anything to get the old you back, wouldn’t you do it? That is, if you missed the old you.

It all takes the pain in your brain away, and that’s what people need to try to understand. People need to help those they love, so they can feel that care and humanity that they were searching for in a way that doesn’t leave scars. You need to help and not ridicule. Show the love. It could save so many lives.

Thank you to everyone who continues to read my posts, it means a lot. I really enjoy comments as well, so comment anything you have to say, I’m here for you all. I will be talking to you all again soon. Have a nice remainder of  the week!

entry · Rant · thought · venting

Shorter

I too often get people making comments on what I look like, so yes this post is gonna be about self-image.

So since about 2 years ago, when I cut my hair real short, so many people like to make assumptions as to who they think I am. I wore dark clothes, ripped jeans, band shirts, and fake tapers so everyone wanted to make assumptions as to who they think I am. I walked strange, so people liked to make assumptions as to who they thought I was. I didn’t talk to many people, so they thought I was strange. See the pattern here? If I put it all together, what they figured of me, would be a totally different person. My mindset has always been…it doesn’t matter..if it’s not true, but it starts to hurt my feelings anyway.

They thought I was a lesbian. They thought I was some badass, weird emo chic. They thought I was mentally challenged. They thought I was “odd” or “strange”. There is nothing wrong with being any of those things, so don’t take what I’m saying the wrong way. What hurts is that they’d rather judge me by my cover, than get to know me. It saddens me that in this day and age, I couldn’t be happy with my hair..the way I look, without someone making me feel bad about it…without questioning it. It’s all about looks.

I had people just come out and ask me if I’m a lesbain..I’m thinking..you barely know me…and in fact it’s none of your damn business.

It starts to hurt me when I hear all of these judgements that people were making behind my back. Calling me a “special snowflake”, a “lesbian”, “strange”, “emo”, “emotionally not there”. Telling me I need to be “more like my sister and talk more”. How is that supposed to make me feel?

If you get to know me, I’m this shy, friendly girl. Do I have some problems? Of course I do, who doesn’t? How dare you judge me based on what you see. Yes, I walk and run a little different because my ankles are a little different looking. I don’t see a thing wrong with it, even if it looks “gross” as someone told me.

The source of the issue is that today, everyone needs to know everything about you, they want to know your story, what you’re like, what you’re doing, who you’re dating, but they refuse to take the time out of their lives to actually get to know you. So what do they do? They assume until they turn blue.

So many stereotypes that society has created. If your hair is short, you’re a lesbian. If you wear all black and are depressed, you’re emo. If you walk or talk different, you have mental limitations.  How is that fair to anyone? Stop the stereotyping.

It does more damage than you could imagine. There is no reason to knock people down, there is no way you can feel like a better person after doing that. You’d be amazed at how your whole day can change when you make someone feel good about themselves. That rainy Tuesday could turn around and become this great day, it’s all up to you. Start building each other up. Self love is so important. I’m still working on that…

Sidenote: There is NOTHING wrong with being any of those things, I don’t want to upset anyone reading this. I mean no harm. 

 

Playlist:

Hold on Till May – Pierce the Veil

entry · mental illness · venting

Scars

Well, seeing that self harming became a topic of conversation amongst my family today, I’d like to talk about this with you all.

You see, it is so hard for someone to come out and ask for help, most are even embarassed to. Reaching the point of hurting yourself, you have become so buried deep in depression. I, myself cut for months, I got to the point where I was blaming myself for all of these things that happened to me. I walked around with hoodies on just to hide this painful secret from the world, isolated and alone. Everything that happened in those months was a blur, like I was high the entire time. I nearly flunked all of my classes. I stumbled about my days, with no one to help me…no one to tell me things were gonna be okay.

Unfortunately, someone did find me at my weakest point, and sucked the life out me that remained. My vulerability became there power over me. I got stuck in an abusive relationship, where I was guilted and blinded.  He abused me, made me selfconcious, and just destroyed the progress I attempted to make. They knew I was in this black hole, so they grabbed my hand, pulled me into the light and pushed me right back in just to watch me suffer for themselves. I just got worse until, let’s call him my angel, realized I was sick and took me under his wing.

Self harming is not a trend, it’s not something people do for attention. I hid myself, I didn’t want to be seen. You feel opressed, like something’s weighing you down. Think of how when you get really tired, your eyes kinda feel heavy…your whole body feels heavy and weak. Endlessly tired. That’s how it feels having depression. In the moment cutting is a punishment for yourself, or a desperate attempt at making the pain physical to get rid of the pain in your head. We need to feel something, we’ve been internalizing all of this emotion and pain…it becomes too overwhelming. It’s so scary to experience the feeling…the sudden urge to do it, sometimes the feeling becomes so addictive when you have that taste of humanity back.

Today I still feel tired, this darkness just follows me. However I recovered from self harming, I did it for the people I love, even though they don’t know that. I fight it everyday, promising myself not to ever sink that low again. I will probably touch more on this when I’m not feeling as sick.

Thank you for reading guys. I apologize for being such a downer. It’s nice to have people that listen.

entry · mental illness · thought · venting

Thoughtless

Hey everyone, sorry that I haven’t been posting as frequently as I hoped. These past few months in particular have been very difficult for me.

At home in general, I don’t receive much sympathy or that warming , safe feeling type of affection whatsoever. When I go home I don’t wind down, take a deep breath and say I can finally relax, loosen up, I feel okay here. I suppose I could blame myself for being as awkward as the rest of my family, not initiating in any sort of emotional interactions that normal families have, I can’t..I won’t. That’s the problem with social anxiety, you won’t engage in any sort of or certain aspects of socialization at all, unless it is given to you. So if no one ever decided to hug me, I wouldn’t ever get hugged, if no one ever decided to talk to me, I wouldn’t have any friends or a boyfriend.

You know now that I’m thinking about it, I’m always in search of some close bond with someone. I need someone to love..since I don’t particularly love myself. I am always desperate for some sort of affection, but I won’t ever ask for any. I’ll deprive myself of these experiences, pretend I don’t have those needs because I’m too scared. I’ll wait until I’m pursued, it’s as close to torture that I’ve ever felt.

Image result for dramatic gif

It’s so hard to deal with on a daily basis, I argue with myself over texting someone. I get so scared that I’ll send a message, put down my phone and walk out of the room for a few minutes, like I just did this horrible thing and I need to go contemplate life. If anyone knew how long it took me to work up the courage to send them a text, they would probably find me pathetic or they might feel flattered that I wanted to talk to them that much that I made an effort to shoot them a message regardless of my fears. Don’t feel flattered, feel concerned, ask yourself why the hell I need to go through such a process when it’s so easy for you to just pick up your phone and talk to someone. I don’t have that luxury, it’s a mental limitation, this prison that I can’t escape.

I apologize in advance for saying this so bluntly but I just dislike most people, that’s how it is to live with social anxiety. Did they do anything to me? No, it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s mine. I get terrified in a Wal-Mart, in school…in my own home, I feel weird around most people and I don’t know how to describe the emotion. It’s this dissociation, one moment I’m hanging out, everything’s fine and dandy then all of the sudden its why am I here? why are these people near me? This is horrible, I need to be alone, I need to ball up in a corner and hide. I feel unhuman for a moment. My skin feels like it’s crawling, imagine yourself being skeeved out about something, that’s how I feel about nothing..randomly. You can laugh if you want, I won’t know, but it’s not as hysterical when it’s happening to you.

Thank you for reading if you have. I’ve been having a tough time, losing a dear family member, feeling like the world is closing in around me, I can’t even begin to describe it. Your likes and views make my day.

Current song:

A Match Into Water – Pierce the Veil

Floral and Fading – Pierce the Veil

Circles – Pierce the Veil

entry · mental illness · Rant · thought

All the Reasons Why

Am I the only one getting upset at how people are reacting to the story 13 Reasons Why now that it has become “popular”? I adore the book on so many levels and the whole story in itself, it puts you into the mind of someone who is suffering from depression, severely in fact.  My issue is that so many viewers are still not grasping the reason as to why this whole story came to be…this happens to not just fictional characters, this happens to your friends, family, collegues…real life people…real life people feel like Hannah Baker everybody. This is being treated more as a damn fandom than a serious problem. Stop making fan merchandise and following this bandwagon thing and start becoming aware as to what is going on around you. Think about the things you say to or about people before you do, because it does indeed impact them. Rumors do spread, harassment does hurt, bullying will damage, depression kills. Her story is sending a message, listen to it.

entry · Rant · thought · venting

Little Things

No this post is not about the One Direction song,  guess again directioners. Actually, I was laying here thinking about how much all the little things really do matter. The small actions end up making the largest impact in the end if you look at every kind of relationship in existence, whether it’s family, best friends or soul mates.  I wonder why that is? Well when someone is noticing each detail about me no matter how insignificant, all of my nervous habits, how I smile…it warms my heart. They’re watching me from a distance like I’m this majestic being or piece of art, undisturbed and beautiful. No stalker vibes here I hope. They notice every little thing that makes you smile, and  in return want to do those things for you just to see you happy. Imagine that? I hope everyone has experienced the pleasure of this at some point in their lives, it has to be one of the few reasons I get out of bed in the morning still breathing, heart beating.

Image result for heart beating gif tumblr

Not too long from now, some months ago, I sat completely alone in the school hallway at lunch, without much of an appetite. My reasoning for being by myself is that I had just been broken up with over the summer, so coming back I felt completely lost and scared. I wouldn’t bring lunch with me, I felt too sick and rather dizzy for food. However I would carry a notebook, so I could draw some stuff off of the top of my head to keep myself distracted from the reality that my  anxiety liked to punch me in the gut with. I drew roses and tulips, it has always been my go to drawing, these flowers, so innocent and happy in their way. Both things in which I felt like I lost. My guy friend must have noticed since one of those days he handed me a picture of a tulip that he drew…he noticed me drawing them and could tell that I was depressed. He noticed I was alone and scared so he gave this drawing…little does he know how hard that hit me. I had someone who cared again, for the first time in a while. I still hold it with me all of the time, I don’t know what I’d do if I lost it. I’ve drawn plenty if flowers before, but this one is special…it’s from him.

Image result for flower gif tumblr

Little things like that, just knowing that someone thought about you for even a second, if you really think about it, it hits you hard.  A text just letting someone know you’re thinking about them, a kiss on the cheek, a walk around the park, a deep conversation, a long hug, buying food or making a gift, literally anything can change someone’s day. It sticks with them longer than anything else will.

Image result for little things gif

I’ve learned to live for the small things, like my favorite song coming on the radio, singing and dancing along to them like no one’s watching, making it to school at just the right time, getting to see my friend in the morning, hot chocolate, long car rides, the sun shining, the stars at night, waving to a friend in the hallway, deep conversations that make me laugh and cry, smiling so bright I forget it’s raining. I’ve learned, if you live for those nice little parts of life, you’ll never have a bad day, there will always be something to look forward to. I try my hardest, I battle with  depression, and in my own way this is how I’m putting up my fight. #Will you join the battle?