entry · mental illness · Rant · thought · venting

Puzzled

Have you ever wondered why you get treated the way you do? Maybe someone once said you get what you deserved, you were brought up thinking karma came back at those people who wronged you or others. But then you look around and question, because as it seems, so many people get the opposite of what they deserve most of the time, while others get exactly what was coming for them.

What I’m trying to say now is that maybe we get the opposite of what we deserve for a reason. So many who get the raw end of the deal, maybe they’re getting that so they can appreciate the good things that happen. The bad guys, maybe they’re getting the good to realize the bad they’ve done.

I’ve noticed personally, that I often don’t get anywhere near what I deserve most of the time. I’m not trying to say that I’m this gift to the world…that I deserve everything that is right with the world. I do everything with the best of intentions, and I get…nothing. I treat my friends the way I would treat myself if I was my friend. I am the friend I wish I had. The friend that reminds you what you’re worth, the friend that helps you with too much work, the friend that remembers, the friend that doesn’t take you for granted, the friend that’s your shoulder to cry on, the friend that tries her hardest to keep you as happy and stress free as possible at the expense of her own feelings. That’s me.

For an example, if you’d like to see one, here it is. If you don’t want one, skip this paragraph. Today is my best friend’s birthday. He’s 18 today. The minute it struck 12:00, I sent him a “Happy birthday!”. I just…I think about how I’d feel if someone sent me that text, It’d probably make my whole day feel different. That’s why I sent it. I’d like to one day say wow, you remembered me, you cared, that’s why I do what I do, because that’s the type of friend I’d like to have. I care about everyone, and I’d like to be someone’s favorite person like these people are to me. I wonder if they ever remember me? Do you wonder if someone stops to think about you during the day? Maybe it sounds mushy, maybe it sounds stupid…maybe you’re afraid to be emotional like that because you’ve already built a wall up to hide all of that, and that’s why you think that way about this.

People like me, who try too hard and care too much and love too much, always get stepped on first. I’ve tried my whole life to make everyone feel the opposite of how I’ve felt for years now. I’m trying to be the person I wish I’ve had this entire time.

Many of us get overbearing friends, scared minds, oblivious families, too much work, constant changes, so many people who treat you like you’re worthless, drama, death, miserable environments and just so much crap that we don’t deserve.

Crap that no one deserves.

The only good that comes from this unfair treatment is when something nice happens, we always appreciate it. Your favorite song coming on the radio, went from being nice, to being the best part of your day. Your day could’ve sucked…but that song changed it. That hot chocolate your friend brought you? That made you look at the day in a whole different, better light. We live for the small things…and those people are great.

Those who do the terrible things? Or those who use you? They live pretty happy with themselves, they live like you don’t exist, at least not during certain moments. You exist when they need you, but not when you need them.  When you’re balled up on the bathroom floor breaking down, they’re not there, or they don’t understand. You’re the only one that gets you, but you don’t have another you to be there for you. Say that 10 times fast.

Maybe once the see what they’re getting, they’ll feel like they don’t deserve it and change their ways.

Bad exists to see good.

Maybe that’s how the universe works…

Listening to:

Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol

This song made me cry while writing this…

entry · mental illness · Rant · thought · venting

Light

I’m back friends.

I’d like to touch further on a rather sensitive topic. It may go from depression, to self harming and things of that nature. Please bear with me, as my thoughts are all jumbled.

You hear people who just don’t understand what you’re going through at all. The sad truth is no one will ever understand how it is, unless they are battling the same demons. It’s nearly impossible for them to feel empathy for someone who is struggling in such a way. Image result for if physical diseases were treated like mental illness

For about two years now, I have been sleeping on the couch, where my dad hangs out at night, just so I’m not alone. Every place holds an energy I refuse to sit alone with. When I’m by myself I think far too much, I start to cry, and those demons tempt me to hurt myself once again. Everyone thinks I’m odd for not going to my room, but it’s so isolating. The things in my room don’t make me happy, my room is where all the bad things happened in my life. It’s where I laid with my abusive boyfriend, it’s where I changed myself for everyone else, it’s where I cried on the floor for hours…it’s where I held a box cutter to my arm hoping to feel human once again.

Here’s what I mean, no one can comprehend that feeling. You can be honest, you don’t understand this, and that’s okay. No one’s expected to understand. Depression is so many things, it’s feeling detached, tired, lonely, scared, lost, ready to scream…ready to give up. Everything that used to be easy, requires all of our energy. It’s waking up at the bottom of the ocean, seeing the light, but no matter how much you swim, you can’t reach the surface. It’s feeling forever lost in this other dimension where hope and happiness is something you only see through the looking-glass. As someone with a terrible case of depression, nothing is simple anymore. Your future is blurry, your mind is foggy…remembering things is crazy hard. You see nothing going well for you in the future, at least as long as you have depression blackening your thoughts. Headaches are constant…so are belly aches. You have to bear with us. Some have it in different forms, at different severities.

I’d like to talk about self injuring for just a moment. It’s really just a thought I had today on a walk. When I was stuck in this period of my life, I wasn’t necessarily experiencing unhappy sensations, I didn’t cry, I just cut. I was in this emotionless state of mind. Hear me out before you automatically call me an attention seeker. When I was doing this to myself, it punched me back in to this past reality. The pain brought me back to the girl I knew before mental illness took her away. It’s like it snapped me out of this fog and I was me for a moment in time…of course that doesn’t last forever. If you could do anything to get the old you back, wouldn’t you do it? That is, if you missed the old you.

It all takes the pain in your brain away, and that’s what people need to try to understand. People need to help those they love, so they can feel that care and humanity that they were searching for in a way that doesn’t leave scars. You need to help and not ridicule. Show the love. It could save so many lives.

Thank you to everyone who continues to read my posts, it means a lot. I really enjoy comments as well, so comment anything you have to say, I’m here for you all. I will be talking to you all again soon. Have a nice remainder of  the week!

entry · Rant · thought · venting

Shorter

I too often get people making comments on what I look like, so yes this post is gonna be about self-image.

So since about 2 years ago, when I cut my hair real short, so many people like to make assumptions as to who they think I am. I wore dark clothes, ripped jeans, band shirts, and fake tapers so everyone wanted to make assumptions as to who they think I am. I walked strange, so people liked to make assumptions as to who they thought I was. I didn’t talk to many people, so they thought I was strange. See the pattern here? If I put it all together, what they figured of me, would be a totally different person. My mindset has always been…it doesn’t matter..if it’s not true, but it starts to hurt my feelings anyway.

They thought I was a lesbian. They thought I was some badass, weird emo chic. They thought I was mentally challenged. They thought I was “odd” or “strange”. There is nothing wrong with being any of those things, so don’t take what I’m saying the wrong way. What hurts is that they’d rather judge me by my cover, than get to know me. It saddens me that in this day and age, I couldn’t be happy with my hair..the way I look, without someone making me feel bad about it…without questioning it. It’s all about looks.

I had people just come out and ask me if I’m a lesbain..I’m thinking..you barely know me…and in fact it’s none of your damn business.

It starts to hurt me when I hear all of these judgements that people were making behind my back. Calling me a “special snowflake”, a “lesbian”, “strange”, “emo”, “emotionally not there”. Telling me I need to be “more like my sister and talk more”. How is that supposed to make me feel?

If you get to know me, I’m this shy, friendly girl. Do I have some problems? Of course I do, who doesn’t? How dare you judge me based on what you see. Yes, I walk and run a little different because my ankles are a little different looking. I don’t see a thing wrong with it, even if it looks “gross” as someone told me.

The source of the issue is that today, everyone needs to know everything about you, they want to know your story, what you’re like, what you’re doing, who you’re dating, but they refuse to take the time out of their lives to actually get to know you. So what do they do? They assume until they turn blue.

So many stereotypes that society has created. If your hair is short, you’re a lesbian. If you wear all black and are depressed, you’re emo. If you walk or talk different, you have mental limitations.  How is that fair to anyone? Stop the stereotyping.

It does more damage than you could imagine. There is no reason to knock people down, there is no way you can feel like a better person after doing that. You’d be amazed at how your whole day can change when you make someone feel good about themselves. That rainy Tuesday could turn around and become this great day, it’s all up to you. Start building each other up. Self love is so important. I’m still working on that…

Sidenote: There is NOTHING wrong with being any of those things, I don’t want to upset anyone reading this. I mean no harm. 

 

Playlist:

Hold on Till May – Pierce the Veil