entry · mental illness · Rant · thought · venting

Puzzled

Have you ever wondered why you get treated the way you do? Maybe someone once said you get what you deserved, you were brought up thinking karma came back at those people who wronged you or others. But then you look around and question, because as it seems, so many people get the opposite of what they deserve most of the time, while others get exactly what was coming for them.

What I’m trying to say now is that maybe we get the opposite of what we deserve for a reason. So many who get the raw end of the deal, maybe they’re getting that so they can appreciate the good things that happen. The bad guys, maybe they’re getting the good to realize the bad they’ve done.

I’ve noticed personally, that I often don’t get anywhere near what I deserve most of the time. I’m not trying to say that I’m this gift to the world…that I deserve everything that is right with the world. I do everything with the best of intentions, and I get…nothing. I treat my friends the way I would treat myself if I was my friend. I am the friend I wish I had. The friend that reminds you what you’re worth, the friend that helps you with too much work, the friend that remembers, the friend that doesn’t take you for granted, the friend that’s your shoulder to cry on, the friend that tries her hardest to keep you as happy and stress free as possible at the expense of her own feelings. That’s me.

For an example, if you’d like to see one, here it is. If you don’t want one, skip this paragraph. Today is my best friend’s birthday. He’s 18 today. The minute it struck 12:00, I sent him a “Happy birthday!”. I just…I think about how I’d feel if someone sent me that text, It’d probably make my whole day feel different. That’s why I sent it. I’d like to one day say wow, you remembered me, you cared, that’s why I do what I do, because that’s the type of friend I’d like to have. I care about everyone, and I’d like to be someone’s favorite person like these people are to me. I wonder if they ever remember me? Do you wonder if someone stops to think about you during the day? Maybe it sounds mushy, maybe it sounds stupid…maybe you’re afraid to be emotional like that because you’ve already built a wall up to hide all of that, and that’s why you think that way about this.

People like me, who try too hard and care too much and love too much, always get stepped on first. I’ve tried my whole life to make everyone feel the opposite of how I’ve felt for years now. I’m trying to be the person I wish I’ve had this entire time.

Many of us get overbearing friends, scared minds, oblivious families, too much work, constant changes, so many people who treat you like you’re worthless, drama, death, miserable environments and just so much crap that we don’t deserve.

Crap that no one deserves.

The only good that comes from this unfair treatment is when something nice happens, we always appreciate it. Your favorite song coming on the radio, went from being nice, to being the best part of your day. Your day could’ve sucked…but that song changed it. That hot chocolate your friend brought you? That made you look at the day in a whole different, better light. We live for the small things…and those people are great.

Those who do the terrible things? Or those who use you? They live pretty happy with themselves, they live like you don’t exist, at least not during certain moments. You exist when they need you, but not when you need them.  When you’re balled up on the bathroom floor breaking down, they’re not there, or they don’t understand. You’re the only one that gets you, but you don’t have another you to be there for you. Say that 10 times fast.

Maybe once the see what they’re getting, they’ll feel like they don’t deserve it and change their ways.

Bad exists to see good.

Maybe that’s how the universe works…

Listening to:

Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol

This song made me cry while writing this…

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2 thoughts on “Puzzled

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