entry · mental illness · Rant · thought · venting

Light

I’m back friends.

I’d like to touch further on a rather sensitive topic. It may go from depression, to self harming and things of that nature. Please bear with me, as my thoughts are all jumbled.

You hear people who just don’t understand what you’re going through at all. The sad truth is no one will ever understand how it is, unless they are battling the same demons. It’s nearly impossible for them to feel empathy for someone who is struggling in such a way. Image result for if physical diseases were treated like mental illness

For about two years now, I have been sleeping on the couch, where my dad hangs out at night, just so I’m not alone. Every place holds an energy I refuse to sit alone with. When I’m by myself I think far too much, I start to cry, and those demons tempt me to hurt myself once again. Everyone thinks I’m odd for not going to my room, but it’s so isolating. The things in my room don’t make me happy, my room is where all the bad things happened in my life. It’s where I laid with my abusive boyfriend, it’s where I changed myself for everyone else, it’s where I cried on the floor for hours…it’s where I held a box cutter to my arm hoping to feel human once again.

Here’s what I mean, no one can comprehend that feeling. You can be honest, you don’t understand this, and that’s okay. No one’s expected to understand. Depression is so many things, it’s feeling detached, tired, lonely, scared, lost, ready to scream…ready to give up. Everything that used to be easy, requires all of our energy. It’s waking up at the bottom of the ocean, seeing the light, but no matter how much you swim, you can’t reach the surface. It’s feeling forever lost in this other dimension where hope and happiness is something you only see through the looking-glass. As someone with a terrible case of depression, nothing is simple anymore. Your future is blurry, your mind is foggy…remembering things is crazy hard. You see nothing going well for you in the future, at least as long as you have depression blackening your thoughts. Headaches are constant…so are belly aches. You have to bear with us. Some have it in different forms, at different severities.

I’d like to talk about self injuring for just a moment. It’s really just a thought I had today on a walk. When I was stuck in this period of my life, I wasn’t necessarily experiencing unhappy sensations, I didn’t cry, I just cut. I was in this emotionless state of mind. Hear me out before you automatically call me an attention seeker. When I was doing this to myself, it punched me back in to this past reality. The pain brought me back to the girl I knew before mental illness took her away. It’s like it snapped me out of this fog and I was me for a moment in time…of course that doesn’t last forever. If you could do anything to get the old you back, wouldn’t you do it? That is, if you missed the old you.

It all takes the pain in your brain away, and that’s what people need to try to understand. People need to help those they love, so they can feel that care and humanity that they were searching for in a way that doesn’t leave scars. You need to help and not ridicule. Show the love. It could save so many lives.

Thank you to everyone who continues to read my posts, it means a lot. I really enjoy comments as well, so comment anything you have to say, I’m here for you all. I will be talking to you all again soon. Have a nice remainder of  the week!

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