entry · mental illness · venting

Scars

Well, seeing that self harming became a topic of conversation amongst my family today, I’d like to talk about this with you all.

You see, it is so hard for someone to come out and ask for help, most are even embarassed to. Reaching the point of hurting yourself, you have become so buried deep in depression. I, myself cut for months, I got to the point where I was blaming myself for all of these things that happened to me. I walked around with hoodies on just to hide this painful secret from the world, isolated and alone. Everything that happened in those months was a blur, like I was high the entire time. I nearly flunked all of my classes. I stumbled about my days, with no one to help me…no one to tell me things were gonna be okay.

Unfortunately, someone did find me at my weakest point, and sucked the life out me that remained. My vulerability became there power over me. I got stuck in an abusive relationship, where I was guilted and blinded.  He abused me, made me selfconcious, and just destroyed the progress I attempted to make. They knew I was in this black hole, so they grabbed my hand, pulled me into the light and pushed me right back in just to watch me suffer for themselves. I just got worse until, let’s call him my angel, realized I was sick and took me under his wing.

Self harming is not a trend, it’s not something people do for attention. I hid myself, I didn’t want to be seen. You feel opressed, like something’s weighing you down. Think of how when you get really tired, your eyes kinda feel heavy…your whole body feels heavy and weak. Endlessly tired. That’s how it feels having depression. In the moment cutting is a punishment for yourself, or a desperate attempt at making the pain physical to get rid of the pain in your head. We need to feel something, we’ve been internalizing all of this emotion and pain…it becomes too overwhelming. It’s so scary to experience the feeling…the sudden urge to do it, sometimes the feeling becomes so addictive when you have that taste of humanity back.

Today I still feel tired, this darkness just follows me. However I recovered from self harming, I did it for the people I love, even though they don’t know that. I fight it everyday, promising myself not to ever sink that low again. I will probably touch more on this when I’m not feeling as sick.

Thank you for reading guys. I apologize for being such a downer. It’s nice to have people that listen.

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