entry · mental illness · thought · venting

Thoughtless

Hey everyone, sorry that I haven’t been posting as frequently as I hoped. These past few months in particular have been very difficult for me.

At home in general, I don’t receive much sympathy or that warming , safe feeling type of affection whatsoever. When I go home I don’t wind down, take a deep breath and say I can finally relax, loosen up, I feel okay here. I suppose I could blame myself for being as awkward as the rest of my family, not initiating in any sort of emotional interactions that normal families have, I can’t..I won’t. That’s the problem with social anxiety, you won’t engage in any sort of or certain aspects of socialization at all, unless it is given to you. So if no one ever decided to hug me, I wouldn’t ever get hugged, if no one ever decided to talk to me, I wouldn’t have any friends or a boyfriend.

You know now that I’m thinking about it, I’m always in search of some close bond with someone. I need someone to love..since I don’t particularly love myself. I am always desperate for some sort of affection, but I won’t ever ask for any. I’ll deprive myself of these experiences, pretend I don’t have those needs because I’m too scared. I’ll wait until I’m pursued, it’s as close to torture that I’ve ever felt.

Image result for dramatic gif

It’s so hard to deal with on a daily basis, I argue with myself over texting someone. I get so scared that I’ll send a message, put down my phone and walk out of the room for a few minutes, like I just did this horrible thing and I need to go contemplate life. If anyone knew how long it took me to work up the courage to send them a text, they would probably find me pathetic or they might feel flattered that I wanted to talk to them that much that I made an effort to shoot them a message regardless of my fears. Don’t feel flattered, feel concerned, ask yourself why the hell I need to go through such a process when it’s so easy for you to just pick up your phone and talk to someone. I don’t have that luxury, it’s a mental limitation, this prison that I can’t escape.

I apologize in advance for saying this so bluntly but I just dislike most people, that’s how it is to live with social anxiety. Did they do anything to me? No, it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s mine. I get terrified in a Wal-Mart, in school…in my own home, I feel weird around most people and I don’t know how to describe the emotion. It’s this dissociation, one moment I’m hanging out, everything’s fine and dandy then all of the sudden its why am I here? why are these people near me? This is horrible, I need to be alone, I need to ball up in a corner and hide. I feel unhuman for a moment. My skin feels like it’s crawling, imagine yourself being skeeved out about something, that’s how I feel about nothing..randomly. You can laugh if you want, I won’t know, but it’s not as hysterical when it’s happening to you.

Thank you for reading if you have. I’ve been having a tough time, losing a dear family member, feeling like the world is closing in around me, I can’t even begin to describe it. Your likes and views make my day.

Current song:

A Match Into Water – Pierce the Veil

Floral and Fading – Pierce the Veil

Circles – Pierce the Veil

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