The more people I meet, the more I realize how uneducated many are about what mental illness is. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are a majority that are knowledgeable about it. For pete’s sake my school thought anxiety was a type of learning disability. (Just to clarify, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a learning disability, however anxiety is not in this category). I hear things all of the time, people telling me to just get over it, grow up, things are gonna get worse, how are you gonna survive in the real world? and other insensitive things of that nature. Theres always that classic It’s just a phase line too, I almost forgot to mention those kind of people, the ones that call you an emo punk and crap. I myself suffer from moderate depression and severe anxiety of the general and social type, OCD also decided to join the party uninvited. Lesser of the three evils I suppose. It’s a fight everyday between being tired, depressed and worried, but also anxious because I didn’t do my ritualistic routine right and then being tired again after starting it over until it is right. Apparently the world will end or something if I don’t satisfy that urge.
Now for my lovely anxiety, first off it is not just being nervous one time and done…nooooo…noooo…noooo, it stays with you 24/7. Let me describe it in a way you stable folks will understand best. You know that feeling you get when you miss a step while going down the stairs, that out of breath, terrified feeling in the pit of your stomach? That’s the feeling I have everyday from the moment I wake up to the second I get to sleep. The sensations elevate when I get singled out and I’m horrified by the thought of rejection or social awkwardness. I can’t make eye contact with anyone, but if by some off-chance I happen to, I get light-headed and my blood pressure sky rockets, I know…I’m a weirdo. It’s unbelievable. Imagine being nervous about nothing everyday, beating yourself up for everything you do. I’m a victim of bullying, and the bully is myself.
Depression, now this is the worst of all I guess. It all depends on the severity. It triggers me a whole lot when the average person will start to talk about it as if it is a normal kind of sadness, a passing emotion. Guess what? It lingers on for periods of time. It could be a week, a month, or months. You can’t snap out of it or cheer yourself up because there is no conceivable way for you to get happy. I don’t know if most of us suffering from this feel the same way, but I get these terrible headaches and I’m constantly drained to the point where I could bother to get out of bed, I speak for myself as these are not the only symptoms others have.
Most of the time I make desperate attempts to smile and be as optimistic as possible mostly for the benefit of others.
Sometimes I feel like a stone, because when the time comes that being sad is completely justified according to society…I can’t feel bad at all. There’s no empathy behind these eyes, its blank, and it scares me to death. Sometimes I get joy out of some people’s disadvantages, which is absolutely, with no exceptions, horrible. I hate that my mind works like that, it doesn’t feel okay. I’ve been called a weirdo, strange, emotionally not there. It hurts a lot, it tears me up that people think of me like that…it’s really not my fault.
Depression not only causes me pain, but others as well, it makes you do things that regular you wouldn’t do. It makes you sick, physically and mentally, this demon that is constantly sitting on your shoulders. Mental illness is not something we make up, it is indeed all in my head, but by no means fake or dismissable. Most of the time signs of depression go unnoticed, so keep close to those you love, you’ll hear their cries for help…all you have to do is listen.
I very much appreciate it if you wasted part of your precious time reading this, like I have said before, it truly means a lot. I will be posting more personal things like this often hopefully. A nice venting really helps.
(I added gifs not to make this topic any less serious but to bore you all less)